There are times when this stress hits you so hard that you have made a conscious decision to build a wall against it. The stress can be a physical flare, unmanageable pain or the life crap that has a habit of happening without your consent. For me right now, it is the life crap. There is a lot of it and I feel drained and angry. I have ideas for posts, but the thought of writing them is almost nauseating. I’ve forced myself to sit in front of my computer with a blank document and Dragon on and nothing has come, except the overwhelming need to walk away. From the computer, from everything I do, from my life, if only for a little while. More than anything, I want two months off. To rest, to write, to centre myself and to not think about the Shoulds.
And although I did buy my lottery tickets today, the chances of that happening are about the same as a rasher of bacon on the hoof flying past my fifth floor window.
So. The wall. Or perhaps it is not so much a wall, as the decision to focus on another facet. Instead of looking at the anger, the frustration and the pressure, to make that conscious choice to look for joy. To seek out beauty, a burst of laughter and to rest in a sense of peace, even if it's only for a moment.
To that end, I declare this blog a positive space only for the remainder of September. Maybe even longer. Barriers to accessibility, boneheaded politicians and other irritants will still be there, but I will choose to not deal with them. Instead of handing over my energy to people who will not be careful with it - and the news is not known for being careful with our tender hearts - I will isolate myself in a bubble and begin to fill it with joy.
Today's moment of joy was all because of Laurie. Swinging through Toronto en route to what sounds like a blissful retreat from the world, she allowed me to rant on about all the things that stress me out. She absorbed so much of what has pummeled me for rather a long time that I came out on the other side a little. Enough to realize I'm drowning and need to save myself.
The first tool is to practice finding something beautiful or joyful every day. Today, it is the gratitude I feel to my friend for reminding me that I know the way out of this.